


If you see the boy I used to be (could you tell him that I'd like to find him?)

by Running_wild829



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Dave | Technoblade and Wilbur Soot and TommyInnit are Siblings, Dead TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Exile, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Manberg-Pogtopia War on Dream Team SMP (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Tommyinnit, Suicide, for december 6th stream on tommys channel, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27947792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Running_wild829/pseuds/Running_wild829
Summary: Dream pushes him away, but he returns to the edge another time, and another before being led away like an animal far too close to the edge of the cliff. Dream doesn't miss how Tommy's voice grows hoarse, or how his normally bright blue eyes seem to dim and haze over as if he looks lost. Yet again, he doesn't speak about it.or Tommy is exiled, and while Wilbur is here, Techno and BBH visit, Dreams taunting and his own mental health piles up, and his mental health takes a turn for the worst with an ending no one was expecting.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 46
Kudos: 865





	If you see the boy I used to be (could you tell him that I'd like to find him?)

**Author's Note:**

> OH BOY i haven't written anything in so long and I am the KING OF ANGST AND SHALL RETURN TO MY RIGHTFUL THRONE IN THIS FIC.
> 
> So a little forewarning, this is going to be a very, very dark fic. Please do not read if you are going to be triggered by anything in the tags. Next thing, this was written to the tune of my favorite vent tune, Broken by Ansa Seabra, and where the title comes from. It will be a Lyric sort of fic, but believe me its gonna be good. Now I am gonna say that again, I haven't written anything in a long time.
> 
> Please remind yourself, during reading this two very important things. I am writing about the characters, not the people playing them as the SMP is set up as a roleplay kind of thing. 2nd thing and most important thing is that SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER!!! I am a suicide survivor myself, and lost my Aunt, my great uncle and 5 friends to suicide. It rips you apart and leaves holes where your chest should be. If you're the one attempting, thinking no one will ever love you and you're worthless and a fake, fucked up lost cause, wondering if youre a human, a monster, not yourself and never will be, know that you can survive. Know this is not the end, and you can be something more, something unique, you can find yourself and learn to love yourself and the world again. Coming from someone who has attempted four times and survived each one, you can do this. I came from child abuse, and no one having my back. Now everyone in my family envys me. You can do it. Hold on, if not for yourself, then do it out of spite for every fucking person including your brain that told you, you couldn't.
> 
> Now, the story.

Blue eyes look out upon the darkened sea and equally dark sky. Lanterns were put on posts, but there weren't enough to dim the sparkling stars. Winter was coming, as the chill of the night and water surrounding his feet and ankles told him. His brown, stained and torn jeans were rolled up around his calves and he sat upon the sand on the beach. His arms were in his lap as his neck slowly fell to the baby dolphins playing in the shallows, far too close to the beach than they should be. 

There were two of them. One would blow bubble rings and swim through happily as the other darted around it, joyful clicking and screeching calls of joy, dolphin cackles of laughter ringing out in the silence.

An older dolphin came and chased after them, presumably returning them to the pod, but something about the scene was so familiar that it jarred Tommy into a flashback of himself and Tubbo with a disk, happy and screaming in slightly faux terror at being chased by the green bastard known as Dream. 

_If you see the boy I used to be, could you tell him that I'd like to find him?_

He's taken back into reality too quickly by his standards when Wilbur, or now Ghostbur, his dead brother calls his name gently. Tommy turns and his blue eyes fall upon the dark brown jacket, eerily familiar that Ghostbur has in his arms. His brother is sporting a concerned smile. "Tommy look what I found! I bet if we clean it up and patch the whole in the back you can use it this coming Winter!"

Tommy doesn't have to see the lanterns glow upon the jackets eerily red stains and the gaping hole to know its Ghostbur's jacket from the Pogtopia-Manburg war when he was still alive. The jacket he died in. 

Tommy looks up at Ghostbur, a small forced smile on his face. To Ghostbur, It just didn't look the same. "That's a good idea." The younger male pulls himself from the water, onto the sand and walks back to the house with his deceased brother, and that night he only washed out the blood. The rest he keeps dry, because it reminds him of Wilbur when he was alive, and before his eldest brother Techno betrayed them, and most of all, when Tubbo had his back. 

The next morning, Dream walks in the house to see Tommy still laying in bed, tear stains on his cheeks, and red puffy eyes. He walks out, and goes back to New L'manburg, then comes back. Tommy is up, with Wilbur's jacket on and patched up with spare leather and wool, his eyes still puffy and red but the tear stains gone. Neither boy comments on the appearance of the younger, but it doesn't go unnoticed. That day, the teasing is gentler than it ever has been, and Dream doesn't take or burn anything.

_If you see the shell that's left of me, could you spare him a little kindness?_

He builds the tent, Dream, Sapnap, Badboyhalo and Ghostbur all being there, they laugh and joke, play around. He doesn't feel quite as alone anymore, and for the first time since he was exiled, he laughs. It a bellow and it takes them all by surprise but they all quickly join in, all except Ghostbur, who hides his tears and thinks maybe his baby brother will be okay.

_'Cause I've been high_

They went through the portal. The one back to L'manburg, back to his home. They taunt him over the communicator, and his heart, oh how his heart aches and his chest twists. He couldn't write or communicate the angst running through his veins, the chains around his lungs threatening to strangle his very life out of him. 

Instead, he stands and the brink of death. On the very precipice of the blackstone pathway, staring into the bubbling, molten lava pit below. Everything else is drowned out, and he contemplates how easily it would be to just, step out and into nothing. The pain would be excruciating, but it would be momentarily. It wouldn't- no, couldn't be worse than the pain he's feeling now. He's never felt this low.

Dream pushes him away, but he returns to the edge another time, and another before being led away like an animal far too close to the edge of the cliff. Dream doesn't miss how Tommy's voice grows hoarse, or how his normally bright blue eyes seem to dim and haze over as if he looks lost. Yet again, he doesn't speak about it.

_And I've been low._

The next few nights are a struggle to not go to the nether when Ghostbur isn't looking and to jump in the lava as soon as he enters the hellscape. He doesn't, and possibly does something much worse. He takes an iron sword, newly crafted and lifts up his shirt. No one would know, Winter is here and it wouldn't be noticable. He cuts, and cuts, and cuts, his feelings are gone, he can't feel anything, and it would be terrifying if it weren't for the stinging and rush of pain that lights his body up like a Christmas tree. He patches himself up, rinses the blood of the sword, and stores it in his ender chest. He lays in his bed, looking up at the tip of the tent, the adrenaline rushing through his veins comes to a screeching halt, and he's left tired, tired of fighting with himself and the energy that's been wasted because of it. He slips into a deep sleep, and prays to the Gods above that he's not going to wake up in the morning.

_I've spent a thousand nights alone trying to hold on tight._

Technoblade comes. The indescribable hatred for his elder brother comes, but he's also so very thankful. His brother pats his head, and Tommy leans into the very touch. He's not happy, and if he smiles it's very forced. Techno notices, and he almost comments on this, but chooses not to. Exile is rough, and it's probably that and nothing more. They spend the day bickering and arguing, Ghostbur joining in on the mix. 

The day falls, and night sets in, and Techno announces his departure. The brothers bid farewell to the eldest, and Tommy's light blue eyes get a little dimmer. His own older brother won't stay with him, and it's unsettling how many bad feelings come. He tries to shrug them off, but the next day Dream comes and demands him to drop all of his things so he can burn them. Tommy complies, only after fighting back a bit, and watches the tools, armour and everything in his inventory crumble to molten iron or ashes and smoke. Hate bubbles in his guts, anger and rage, the feeling of bloodlust and wanting to kill the green bastard comes. 

It doesn't leave.

_Feelings come but they won't go._

A week later, he's on his knees, begging Dream to let him go home. Just one little look at L'manburg. He needed to see his friends and family. He's going insane on this island. Dream smiles something sick and twisted, kicks him and laughs, telling him if he went through the portal a few centimeters away he'd kill him permanently. Tommy looks at the purple swirls, twisting like sick vines and the particles touching his cheeks. Something inside of him dies that day, a singular tear going down his face to remind him he was never going home. 

That night, Wilbur leaves for the first time to go back, he's left alone and his wails and screams tear across the small field he's in. He begs and pleads the Gods.

" _Please won't someone take me home before I lose my mind?!_ "

He longs for the smell of baked goods from Nikki, the smiles from the locals, the fun conversations with Quackity and the rest. The hugs from Philza, his _dad_.

Instead he gets a meeting at the Netherhub with Tubbo screaming how he's such a selfish moron. Spitting words angrily and with so much malice dripping from his voice he could close his eyes and think it was Dream or Schlatt. Tommy shakes, and Dream raises a brow but doesn't say anything as everyone starts to disperse. Dream eventually catches up to Tommy, and Tommy stops in his tracks. _Am I broken? Am I flawed?_ He asks himself silently. 

Dream looks back at the boy, who just stares blankly ahead. His eyes seemed to be glassed over and not even there. Dream feels regret, and sorrow. But what done is done, the whole make your bed you lie in it sort of thing. Eventually Tommy snaps back and glares at Dream, pushing him away with anger bright in his eyes. "Fucking green bastard." Dream thinks he'll be ok, but for once he's not certain on it.

Tommy is left alone again. Wilbur with Fundy and Dream in L'manburg, he's utterly alone. The day before, he only ate to throw it up this morning once his deceased brother left. Dream burned all his shit yesterday too, and since last night he's laid in bed. Thoughts bouncing around, but not sticking at all. Sentences from others stick out, mainly from Tubbo, Wilbur and everyone else. 

He's silent, quiet as he reaches for the blade again, and continues to cut. Slicing everything away little by little. Suddenly, he's crying. He's questioning everything he knows. _Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I just another fake fucked up lost cause? Am I human… or am I something else?_

He's shaking, scared and he looks at the sword. Oh it would be so easy, to just write a note and plummet the sword into his chest and be done with it. _Cause I'm so scared, and there's no one there to save me from the nightmare that I call myself…_

_I've tried everything and anything but nothing works quite like it should… between the madness and the apathy, it seems there's nothing left of me that's good…_ there is nothing left is there? Tommy asks as he mindlessly walks to the portal. The sword and book he made for this occasion being dragged with him. Once he's there, he walks to the Netherhub, one last time. His fingers trace the designs, and they swim through the portal, before he draws them back and heads back to his own portal. He walks, and walks. Stopping ocassionally, remembering the good times he did have, where he had them. The fun times. He can't smile, and he moves on like he always does. 

This time his arms and legs are heavier once he reaches the portal to Logstedshire. He goes through, and once he steps onto the grass, he takes a deep breath, and shudders. 

He walks back to the house, grabbing Wilbur's patched coat. He puts it on, feeling it be fitting. Afterall, the parallels between him and his older brother are eerily similar. He sits down in the house, and spends time writing out a note, his final one. He puts it on the counter, in an item frame so it won't despawn, and begins to walk. 

The next day, Dream heads back. He can't find Tommy anywhere, and he hasn't seen anything suggesting he made it back to L'manburg. Finally, the armour clad male walks into the house and finds the note. He reads it, interest and curiosity morphing into pure horror and shock. 

He fumbles, calling everyone as he pockets the note and runs out of the house. "TOMMY!!!!" He screams at the top of his lungs in pure panic. His heart rate rises, his chest feeling like it was slowly being suffocated as he listens and looks for any sort of clue as to where he went. 

Finally, the others pick up, some being sleepy from having just woken up or not having slept yet, others ready to complain, but Dream shuts them all up immediately. "I just found Tommy's suicide note, he's missing and obviously hasnt picked up this call I don't know what to do." He spits it out quickly, his hands shaking in fear and horror. What has he done? 

Everything next happens in a blur of chaos. Suddenly everyone is launching a full blown search party. Finally, he's found. Dream, Technoblade, Wilbur, Philza and Tubbo see the tell-tale sign of Wilbur's coat, and a figure with blonde hair slumped against a tree. 

They rush forwards, but he's lifeless, barely conscious, his eyes not focusing on anything but seeing. His sword is jammed through his body, the hilt pressing harshly against his stomach. Its in the tree, and if they even tried to take it out, he'd die instantly from blood loss. If they didn't, he'd die. 

They crouch around him, Dream sending the coordinates quickly before saying an apology, Technoblade in utter shock, stands there. tears swelling and starting to roll down his cheeks and the others gather around. Tommy smiles and forgives them all, having spent the entire night to reflect upon it and didn't want to leave angry or upset. 

Dream backs up, letting Techno take his spot and hold his brother's arm gently. Philza holds his other arm, and Tubbo sits in front of him, crying and sobbing. Inconsolable, as the rest cry silently. "Tommy I'm so sorry I'm so so so sorry I shouldn't have exiled you, I don't know how I'm so stupid, Tommy please don't leave me!!!" Everything spills out all at once, and Tommy reaches forwards, hand resting upon Tubbo's cheek heavily. Tubbo grabs it, keeping it there with his own as he caresses the hand with his thumb. 

"Tubbo…" Tommy starts, his blue eyes lightening, and a pure smile of happiness crosses his face. "Yes Tommy?" Tubbo replies, sniffling and shaking. Tommy silently looks at him with awe and wonder, his eyelids starting to close. "You came back… for me?" He rasps in return. "You all?" Tommy asks, his eyes slowly making their way to each person, only for them to nod silently.

He smiles again, but its softer this time as the light and life is being drained. His eyes, half lidded make their way towards Tubbo again. He drinks in the features of the other boy, getting the courage to say what he always wanted to with his dying breaths as blood crawls its way up his throat into his mouth suffocating him slowly. "Tubbo, I… love you…" Things go blurry, and he guides Tubbo in with his hand upon his cheek, their foreheads resting gently agaisnt each other when Tommy's eyes flutter shut. He goes limp and the others finally make their way into the clearing when the guttural scream of broken hearts tears its way through the forest. 

During the funeral, Ghostbur speaks, talking about the fun times he can remember with Tommy, the times he was proud and happy, the greatness Tommy inspired. Then he smiles softly at the podium before looking back up at everyone.

"It's no secret blue is my favorite colour. The color of the sky and the sea. Of diamonds and lapis lazuli. But it's also the color of Tommy's eyes, and it makes me sad, knowing that they were so uniquely blue. Since his death a week ago, I've tried mixing different colours trying to replicate the blue of Tommy's eyes… I can't find it anywhere. His blue is forever gone, only captured in photographs. I'm sad, because like that blue of his eyes, Tommy was unique. No one is going to be able to replace him ever, and it hurts knowing… I'm never going to see him alive again." Wilbur is silent, and spares a glance to Tubbo, who is not only wearing the bandana Tommy had but also the jacket. Both were cleaned of blood and patched accordingly. Tubbo himself was a wreck, and tear stains on both his cheeks, along with a far too familiar distant look in his eyes. The others were no better. He looks around, silent as ever, and a lone tear slides down his cheek.

The implications Wilbur made were clear. Tommy may not come back… ever.

_Am I broken…?_

**Author's Note:**

> Lowkey might make this into a series of the death of Tommy and how each person copes with it. I'll have to figure some thing out though and read up on more stuff. 
> 
> Also note: I did not know Tommy & Tubbo said they didn't like to be shipped (in my defense I've been watching the past few months on and off due to personal reasons that you can imagine) so it's highly likely I missed it, or it's been so far back and my ADHD pea-brain didn't grab that information and register it or let me remember it. Out of respect for Tommy & Tubbo I've removed the tags and replaced the orginal scene with something more brotherly/platonic and still very gutwrenching and platonic. 
> 
> Happy Holidays wild ones!!!


End file.
